The Good Fight
We must never stop dreaming. Dreams provide nourishment for the soul, just as meal does for the body. If we don't, our soul dies.
The good fight is the one we fight because our heart asks it of us. The good fight is the one that's fought in the name of our dreams.
We turn against ourselves and do battle within. We become our worst enemy. We say that our dreams were childish, too difficult to realize or the result of not having known enough about life.-P. Coelho, The Pilgrimage, p. 56
I was having a conversation with my dear Bradley today and he tends to unknowingly trigger so much in me which sets me in defence mode straight away. It takes a good breath or two (read: hour or two) to see that I'm literally fighting with my own demons, not with him. He is the constant reminder in my life about all of the inner work that is yet to be done. And also how far I've already come. Fun fact is that if I would've met him only a year ago, I wouldn't have been even remotely interested. I was still vegan, against hunters, pretty sour towards living in the city etc. You can also read as: judgemental about people with different lifestyles and preferences compared to mine but masking it with half-ass tolerance and positivity which made it pretty toxic for me.
So the conversation reminded me one of the books I read a while ago hence I looked it up again. It's Paulo Coelho's "The Pilgrimage". And it seems that my international journeys have been replaced with inner and domestic pilgrimage instead. And not an easy one but I am grateful for the way it is.
WE KILL OUR DREAMS BECAUSE WE ARE AFRAID TO FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT
Because we don't want to see life as a grand adventure we begin to think of ourselves as wise, fair and correct in asking so little of life.
Victory or defeat isn't important. Important is to fight. And you too, have to learn how to fight the good fight. You've accepted the adventures and challenges that life provides but you still want to deny anything that is extraordinary
I know how amazing and fulfilling it is to be alone and do whatever the hell I want to do but the truth is that I've kept running my entire life. Especially from relationships and even friendships. My issue seems to be a massive swing from crazy self-love and -hype to thinking I'm a piece of shit within short time span and dropping people I actually love. Bradley pointed out that I'm always trying to get people see their own beauty and abilities but don't focus on mine at all. Digging a metaphorical ditch and throwing myself into deep end of it is a common practise. Effortlessly too. How is human brain capable of such self destruction? Not physically, but mentally. My physical world is in such a mint order. Or is it just the free will showing that we legit have free pass to do anything with our lives and minds. And I'm consciously willing to put effort in to change because the wild and uncontrolled behavioural loops won't bring me the life I want and deserve.
It's the action and vision that will keep moving me forward from now on. That's a promise to myself.
“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours.”― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
At the end of the day I guess it does not matter if I feel like I belong, how much do I earn, what do I wear, how productive I am and what other people think of me. If my soul is in peace and heartfelt then everything is absolutely fine and sorts itself out. I need to get out of Universe's way of working things out for me and create unsurmountable frustration out of thin air. It's super easy to get used to living like this but I know deep in my heart it is not the only option. Even though life might be easier alone, it wouldn't be half as magical without the people I have in my life now.
I want to thank Bradley for pointing it out for me so bloody bluntly. If you read this then know you're a true gem and have helped me tremendously in the journey of becoming better version of myself.
Everything is good and I am blessed every day but I only see and feel it when I put my focus into it.