• Rewild Jane

Rainy day

Life is funny. Or am I funny? I literally cried on and off for 2 years because I missed my family and Estonia SO BAD. I had a pretty decent and amazing run at life while crying about it though. I hiked and climbed more than I thought was possible, made most precious memories and met people I still love to the bottom of my heart, worked really hard and saved some coin while actually enjoying it. And at the same time got diagnosed with depression, had incredible anxiety about lockdowns and protested on the streets about them, broke down in tears way more than it was logically reasonable, struggled to stay in the moment and realize how lucky I actually was and still am.

I guess I'm feeling a lot of guilt about not giving myself and my life a decent credit about it's amazingness and experiences lived, sights seen and souls met. I haven't blogged about pretty much any of my hikes, road trips or big life events. The things I've done would deserve some major credit from myself... to myself. Past two years have been hard, yes, but only a little bit compared to all of the good things. I truly did have an amazing run!!! I wish I could go back and tell myself not to be that sad and teary-eyed that often. Mental health is a tough gig, not gonna lie, but in physical life I had a blast.

I've been here in Estonia since middle of February now and rest assured that I think about missing Australia, friends, mountains and even my job now as well. I've been managing to squeeze in some pretty amazing trips in Europe now too, but as the bottomless pit in my soul says: "That's not enough. I want more." Or that's what I think at the moment. I guess in a way it drives me, makes me get out there and make new memories but also it's a search for something yet unknown to me.

I do wonder a lot why is it. I still have the same doubts, fears and insecurities I've had since I was a young kid, teenager and young adult. This bottomless pit in my soul has searched the whole world to find some material to build a bottom for itself. But it feels like instead of building or repairing... I've been digging it even deeper at times. I've changed my ideologies of life multiple times, changed my diet from one extreme to another, went from deep spiritualism to deep religion but didn't stay in the extremes for too long as I've found a middle ground to rest at the minute. I guess I've taken "finding myself" way too seriously. I wish I could feel more peace about who I am and where I am. Because EVERY time I look back, I only see good. And that's how it is now as well- one day I'll look back super grateful about my life and memories at the time. NOW time, that I'm creating now, even while feeling tad emotional and still searching for I don't know what.

It's incredibly rainy and windy outside which I'm grateful for because without that moodiness and even rage in the nature I wouldn't write this blog. Power in the nature brings out the emotion and courage in me too. Deep down I am a part of this nature but sheltered indoors, under a blanket with hot chocolate and wifi. If that's not something to be grateful for, I don't know what is.

I love writing, I've been lost without it. Look, I've found myself a solution once again. I feel better now.

Also gallery contains some random phone pictures from anything I've done in past year or so. There is roughly 15k (if not more) unshared snaps on my hard drive. oh God.

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