Confidence is not, ‘They will like me.’ Confidence instead is, ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t.’
I've been really quiet for a long time, in real life and my blog as well. I have this funny personality trait like craving attention but freezing on the spot, muttering English and/or getting heart palpitations when I get some attention in front of a few people.
And by attention I mean somebody asking me a simple question about myself and there's other people listening. I also have the fear of people thinking that I'm arrogant or uninterested in them. I actually don't even know if people have noticed it. Far out, I manage to make myself sad inside of my mind so quick.
I used to perform music on the stage for solid 12 years and never really got used to the attention or didn't figure out a healthy mindset how to handle people looking/listening at me. In my brain I think everyone thinks I'm shit. Have I been to therapy? Yes. Naturopath? Yes. Do I still believe my thoughts? Yes, often.
Funny thing is that it has nothing to do with other people. I've created this judgement in my mind and I'd be suprised if any of my friends would legit think I'm boring or a shit person. That's probably pretty far away from the actual truth but my God, what a devil in my brain can convince me with. I actually just got bunch of really kind and cute compliments from my hiking buddies. What is wrong with me always assuming the worst? Where did my self-confidence go?
I actively fight on the streets and internet for our medical and personal freedoms but seems that I haven't managed to fight/accept/heal my very own mind space.
First 21 years of my life I managed it really well. It became lots harder after losing and finding myself 500 times in a single year, staying in a wrong relationship for years and being forced by tyrannical government to stay away from my homeland and family for way too long. Welcome to adulthood, I guess, but I really didn't have necessary tools and skillsets for it. I thought I was grown up and able to handle anything that life throws at me but truly I'm just a simple human and sometimes I get deeply tired in my body and spirit.
I think I just deeply crave safety, community and loving connections, freedom to choose, freedom to say, freedom to feel without fear of being judged (especially by myself). Do I feel guilty to feel depression despite of my good physical health, financial stability and great friend- and relationships? Absolutely. That's why I haven't talked too much about it. There are so many people out there who have it a whole lot worse than me.
I've never stopped going out though. I'm grateful for that. I hike more than ever, say "yes" as much as I feel good with and also been keeping away from mind altering substances.
I need to create myself a routine of self-assurance. Find a root cause for my social anxiety and breathe some space and love in it. Do more what I love and worry less about crap I can't control. I'm grateful for my beautiful therapist who encouraged me to write something in the blog again. I guess it all gets better eventually. Or even if it doesn't, life still goes on.
And I'm grateful for everyone who got to the end of this little blog post. You guys rock x
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”– Marianne Deborah Willamson